How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
