wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
