I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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