My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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