So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
