I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
