While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Randomize
