Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
