Your face is a jimmy john
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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