my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
