Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
How does one acquire holy water?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
