If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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