Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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