I'd wear matching sweaters with you
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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