hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Randomize
