this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
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