All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
