Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
