You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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