hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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