Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
