no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Hippo gnu deer
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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