She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
