One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
