I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
