this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
