i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
