My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
As shirtless as possible
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
