I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
