listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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