I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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