3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Randomize
