I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
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you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
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Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.