I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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