I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
