It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So vagazzling was a success
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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