Your dad touched me again.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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