I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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