I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
