Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
