I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Randomize
