My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
