I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
