Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
