i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Randomize
