six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize