yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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