i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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