i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
