Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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