Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
