So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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