I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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