Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
