even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
